Friday, October 23, 2015

One of those days

 Ever have one of those days? Where one little thing can throw your whole day off?
I am having one of those days.
The kind of day were you don't have the time, energy or urge to make chocolate chip cookies so you head straight to the good part anyway. You grab the chocolate chips and eat right from the the closet so you don't have to share and no one sees you.
  •   It started with our nurse having car problems and not being able to come in to work. (I really think I would go crazy if I didn't have them to talk to and today is proof. I am a mess.)
  • Then the hubby and I NEEDED to talk about money stuff because tomorrow is pay day. (Don't we all just LOVE those talks? Kind of depressing)
  • Then the hubby left me alone with the kids and went to work. (Yep all 3. Most days this may not be an issue, but I feel so alone when I don't have some adult to talk to)
  • In an attempt to do the "grown up/responsible" thing, I asked a friend to take the middle child so I could get some work done on that money stuff. (Sooo, you know, I am writing this blog post instead)
  • The middle child is sent off and 10 minutes later I am bawling my eyes out because I miss him and his cuteness. (Even though, when he is here, he can be in the way and I think about how much cleaner my house would be if he wasn't around taking every toy out of the toy box)
  • Missing my kid got me thinking about a family that I have only met online, but they feel like blood relatives, that just lost their 6 year old son that has the same condition as our oldest. (My heart breaks from them and I think about how we may know that kind of loss someday too. I think about how much I am missing our middle child, and I know he is having fun at a friends house. The tears flow harder now as I reach for that bag of chocolate chips)
    Life is hard. Life is messy. Sometimes our lives get thrown off course and we have NO ONE to blame, not even ourselves. I am having one of those days.
Well things are ok now. Turns out, my dad came over and bounced the baby so I could still get the money stuff finished.
This day got me thinking though. Thinking about how hard life is on some days. Hearing the news of any boy, like my oldest son, dying hits me hard and affect me for days...and I still can squeeze my boy. I can still hear him laugh. I don't know how I will survive the day when we have to bury him and I have so much respect for the parents that have gone ahead of me. (I know, I know prayer is powerful and maybe God will look down on our boy and let him out-live us, but the reality is that this disease SUCKS and it has taken too many boys way too soon, and it will probably take our son before we are ready to say good bye)
I got thinking about our money situation. No one like to talk about money issues to their friends or family for fear of being judged and labeled as a failure. There are millions of people filing bankruptcy every year through no fault of their own. Our money issues steamed from me being forced to quit my job when our oldest was born and we were farming. That year was a bad year for farmers too. It was a drought, the amount of money that we were getting paid for our milk was at a 10 year low, and the cost of feed for the cows was at a 10 year high (or something like that. You get the picture was a bad situation) We are still trying to pay off those bills from 3ish years ago...but no one wants to talk about it. And some people think that we should not ever take a night and go out to eat. We should stay home and pay our bills. Well we work really hard and need to stay connected to each other and NEED a date night at least once a year! Most people in this country file for bankruptcy because they got sick. THEY GOT SICK! I am sure they didn't want to get sick. I am sure that they would have rather do anything else besides going to the doctor all the time. Why do we judge these people? Why do we think that they should just stay home all the time? and why can't we talk about it?
Then I got thinking about what a bitch I feel like on some days. Why can't the companies that supply my son's food or fix his chair or supply his medications all walk a day in my shoes? Why can't they just do their jobs? Why do I have to call three times and yell in order to get one thing right? The process I have to go through EVERY MONTH has made me a mean and bitter woman who thinks that no one can doing anything right, unless they are getting yelled at. I hate this. I hate who I have become and others are starting to notice. I am mean and very intolerable with most people in these companies, even if I am in a good mood and they are being helpful. I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I didn't have to deal with these companies!
Then I thought about how I want to be a better others, to my family, to my husband, to myself. So I signed up for an online "Improve your marriage in 5 simple steps." and I bought books at the woman's conference I went to recently. They say something like "God is here for you, You will get through this. It will be better." I love all these things. I try to make time for these things. I think "I need to listen to these things so I can get to be a better person. I need to make time for this" AAAnd then I go and sit in my bed to read out of this great book or listen to this 15 minute video and I fall asleep. Lets face it, we all do a lot in day. Whether we have kids or a 9-5 job; we are busy people and try to get so much done in one day that by the end of it we pass out...or lay awake because we have to much we are thinking about. Either way, we are tired and sleep deprived. 
So many thoughts. So much on my plate. So many frustrations. These are just a few of the ones I am thinking about this day. It is time to grab that bag of chocolate chips and head to the closet. Don't even get me started on health care, the news, humanitarian issues, politics, animal abuse, or weight loss; those are for a different day. It really is amazing that we can even function as adults. Give yourself a high five and a pat on the back, because you deserve it! Yep, I know tomorrow will be better. I will get through this day. I will deal with the equipment company tomorrow. I will try and read one more page from one of those great books I have. I am thankful for the few good things that have happened today. I will. And you will too. We will get through this together. Please don't feel ashamed of who you are. Please don't curl up in a ball and try to hide day or one week, ok, but please don't stay there. I love you. Other people love you too, even if it doesn't feel like it today. 
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