Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Pregnancy and Infant loss


Today, thousands of people lit a candle for those that have lost a baby. October is the month of awareness. I am the 1 in 4. Let me say it again...1 in 4! That is a staggering number; and a great loss. 

I will never forget the first test of many that came back positive. After years of trying to conceive, and hundreds of dollars spent in fertility treatments, we were finally pregnant! I remember the joy, the butterflies, and the pure happiness that we felt with the thought of finally becoming a mom and dad.

I also remember the pain and tears when we had our first doctor visit and confirmed that we were pregnant with a blood test, only to have them say that we were already loosing the baby. My hormone levels should have been a lot higher. 

I went home in shock. We had waited so long. We were so excited. Our happiness was so short lived. It just wasn't fair. How could God give so many other people a child when they clearly were not fit to be parents but rip it away from us? We were good people that were trying so hard in life. Why did God allow children to be hurt by their parents? We would take them and love them. Why us? Why me?

To help with the grieving, we picked a gender neutral name, and gave it to our child that we would never see. The child that we were so happy to have, and so sad to lose. The pain is still there but it has gotten better.

I want woman everywhere to know that they are not alone. It is so hard to talk about. It is so scary that most people now days don't tell anyone that they are even pregnant until after the 1st trimester...just to be safe. There is such a stigma around a miscarriage. "It wasn't meant to be." "Something must have gone wrong." "You must have done something to cause this." Sure, maybe it wasn't meant to be, but that doesn't make it hurt less. It doesn't make it your fault. There are so many woman that have lost a baby or have had to bury their child. It is never easy. The pain doesn't every really go away. There will always be a part of you that is missing, but you are not alone. Talk to someone. I had no idea how many woman in my life had gone through a miscarriage, until I went through one myself. We need to comfort each other. The pain is too deep not to, and the cost is too great. 

Tonight I go to bed with each and every woman, that has suffered this kind of loss, in my thoughts and in my prayers. I hope you can find comfort in knowing that you are not alone. I pray that you are able to find peace. I wish that I could hug you and tell you that it will be ok, even though it is not fair. I wish I could bring you your favorite candy and sit on the couch and just hold you. Not talk, unless you wanted, but just be there for you. A tear running down my face because I know. 

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