Monday, April 28, 2014

I trust God except when...

I trust God except when....? Have you ever been able to answer that question? If you can then you have questioned your faith. Something shook you to the core and made you question EVERYTHING.

I will be the first one to say that we are always exactly where we need to be, when we need to be there. After the crisis is over I can find the good in it all. I can recall moments where I know, without a doubt, that God was in control and that if things had happened any other way it could have turned out much worse. Even after the events of Friday I can say that I am thankful.

If Noelie had his seizure at midnight I might not have caught it in time to get him help. The doctor said that having a seizure means that there is brain activity. Since we don't really know how much brain activity he has, more is better. This means he may have more potential then we ever thought. I am thankful for these things.

But here is my problem...When I think about the future, and not catching a seizure in time, and possibly not having him in our lives...I break down. I can't handle the thought. I already feel guilty. This thought shakes me to my core and makes me question things. Do I REALLY trust God with everything in my life? Or can I just see the good after the crisis is over? If I loose Noelie, when exactly will the crisis be over? I believe that losing a child is one of the hardest things anyone can go through. How will I be able to move on?

In the blink of an eye our lives changed forever, again. Since we have gotten home I have spent a lot of time cuddling, holding, and staring at him. I don't want to forget this moment because I don't know how many moments I have with him. Even as I write this I realize that no one knows how many moments we have. It just seems like our time may be shorter then normal. I pray that we never have to deal with this, and that the thoughts are worse than the reality. I pray that we will never know the heartache of burying a child. I pray for the strength to really trust God with my worries. 

Have you ever been able to answer that question? What shook you to the core and made you question things? How did you get through it? How long did it take?

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