Saturday, April 12, 2014

A hard season of life

The Lord will guide you continually, and satisfy your soul in drought, and strengthen your bones; you shall be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail. Isaiah 58:11

There was a time, not to long ago, when I didn't think I would make it through another day. After a rough pregnancy I had given birth to our first born son, Noelie. We had gone back and forth on what to even call him. My husbands name is Noel III and he wondered if he should pass on the family name. He decided to give him his name because he wasn't going to give up on him. In some way, a different name would have meant we didn't have hope. That we didn't think he would live. On the deepest level, we believed in our son and were not going to give up.

We kind of got thrown into a situation that we NEVER thought would happen to us. Having a handicapped child happened to other people. We thought we were ready. We had almost 2 months of visiting the NICU to get ready. We knew what he needed. We knew how to handle any situation. I spent 2 nights in a private room next to the NICU just to make sure I was ready. On some level I was mad. Mad that I had to deal with this situation. Stressed about the real possibility that I might have to balance this AND going back to work. I thought I was ready though.

I wasn't. We were so excited to finally get our whole family home. I thought I knew what I was in for. The first night was hard. The next night is a blur. Every day that passed I thought it would get easier. I was getting about1 hour of sleep at a time. Up for 2 hours, sleep for 1, all day long. I didn't go outside for 2 weeks. Not to church, for gas, or for food. Several times I thought about giving up. Maybe we could give him up to a better family for adoption. Maybe we could leave him some where. I was desperate. (most of you will not understand how desperate I was and how I got to a place where I seriously thought about leaving him at the hospital entrance. Please no judgement if you haven't walked in my shoes.)

This was the hardest season of my life. Then he got sick. I blamed myself. I didn't take good enough care of him. He ended up back in the hospital and we were faced with hard decisions on his treatment and were to go from here. I was tired. I was glad that he was back in the hospital. They could take better care of him and I could sleep. I did not stay with him overnight...ever. I needed him to be there. I needed to be at home. I did feel tremendous guilt and once again felt like a bad mom for not being there 24/7. I felt like the hospital staff were judging me even though I don't think they really were.

The Lord will guide you continually, and satisfy your soul in drought, and strengthen your bones; you shall be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail. Isaiah 58:11

In those first few months of Noelie's life I had almost given up on him, and on myself, so many times that I had lost track. I didn't think I would make it through. It is so easy for others to say that you will make it through and that it will get better, but when you are in that season, you think you will never get out. This is the way life will always be and it will never get better. 

I did  A LOT of praying and talking to God about life. Why us? What now? How were we going to make it? Was our son ever going to get better? We had to make many tough decisions about life, not just our own but this other little human that was counting on us to do what was right for him. How could we do that? Sometimes I was paralyzed with the thought of doing the wrong thing.

God was guiding us through the storm. He gave us strength. And now that we are on the other side of the storm (just like people said would happen) I am here to tell you that it will get better. He has watered our souls with His water that does not fail. He doesn't hide the pain from us. He guides us through it because He knows we will be better people once we are on the other side of the storm. He loves you and is trying to mold you into the person you were meant to be. Life is hard, but keep praying to Him. Ask for guidance. Ask for hope. Ask for strength. You will get through. It will get better.

I love every moment of every day...now. Our little man has come so far. He will always have some limitations but he is doing so well now. Even though I am a stay at home mom, and get to spend all my time with him, there still doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day to show my love to him. To tell him how proud I am of him, and to just take in all the smiles, giggles, and kisses. I am so glad that we made it through, together, as a family. God brought us together for a reason and God knew I could handle it...eventually. I am so glad he has the family name and that we didn't give up, on him, or myself.
   

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